Don't be shy: I've got an open heart and hand

wow-- i haven't updated in forever...

2009-09-17T05:29:42Z

so much has been going on since i last wrote. obviously because i havent been on since like february or something. so, here's a little bit of an update...

-i'm leaving for LONDON in a week and a half and will be back on december 19th! and i am rather scared. but ridiculously excited
-i just got my hair cut today for the first time in like six months, and the time before i only got it trimmed. my hair is quite short now. =)
-i managed to not acquire a job this summer, which totally sucks because now i have no money for traveling in europe or even in the UK once i get there.
-went to falcon ridge with talia, tal, and leslie, and it was awesome! met some awesome new friends! was called a 'super fan' by joe iadanza (awesome performer) because i knew so many people from so many bands, but really it was just the berklee crew, and some i knew, and some i had only just met.
-went to NEFFA all by myself. hung out with lots of awesome people, but spent a lot of time wandering and floating between people. and it was a really great experience.
-went to rites of spring and felt out of place. put up a big scene one night where everyone thought i was going to die (although i was far from it).
-i was put on anti-depressants (i can't remember if i already posted about this, but i feel that it is important to mention), but i can never remember to take them. i seem to be doing fine without them, right up to the dizziness and nausea that comes from the lack of the drug in my system. but my mom and doctor want me to stay on them for cautionary reasons, which is understandable.
-i spilled water on my brand new macbook, and it has been out of order since like early may (?), but it feel like forever. i am finally getting the piece i need to hook it up to an external monitor, but the wrong piece was ordered. so i have to go find the $30 one and return the $20 one. suck.
-my dell has been in and out of service, but is currently in working order (or else i wouldn't be typing this)!
-i have been a contra dancing FIEND, and have introduced both morgan and jess.
-mom and her friend walter stared dating, and it's one of the best things to happen to our family (and yes, mom, i really mean it) =)
-morgan and i are no longer friends for many reason, none to be disclosed here. things were rocky with dylan, but we're okay now. nothing has been talked about, but i feel like its one of those forgive and forget circumstances. perhaps we'll talk about it some day, but not now.
-started hanging out more with eric, met some of his friends, loved the time we spent together, and managed to screwed myself over in the span of like two weeks. meh. maybe things will shift when i come back from london, and maybe not. whatever.
-one of the people i met at falcon ridge was trevor smith. he played as a sidey at one of anthony da costa's shows, and afterwards i spent a few hours hanging out with them. and now i will be in anthony's folk singer documentary that he was recording for columbia
-my mom and walter finally got internet and cable for the house!

this is all i can really think of for now. i'm hoping to start writing again. hopefully this journal will come back to use and be less of a virtual dust collector. g'night for now. =)

whot?!

2009-03-11T14:04:14Z

i need a new compotition notebook quick!
while i still have the urge to write!

sad news

2009-02-10T15:51:30Z

Meghan's brother died in an explosion yesterday in Iraq.
His name is Jonathan (I believe).
I never met him, but my heart goes out to Meghan.
I'm trying to be there for her, but I've never lost anyone as close as a sibling.
I told her that I'm there if she needs anything, and, I guess, it's really all I can offer at this time.

='[

Horoscope

2009-01-15T17:27:22Z

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
According to expert gerontologists, Rolling Stones' guitarist Keith Richards (a Sagittarius) should have passed on to the next world a decade ago. The man has abused his body so thoroughly, his continued survival is a mystery. You're currently in an excellent position to achieve equally stupendous feats of persistence yourself, Sagittarius. More than ever before, you have a dogged capacity to keep pushing -- even in areas where you've been flighty or sketchy in the past. I'd say this is an excellent time to deepen your commitment to your dreams in very practical ways.

hollzdollz88 @ 2009-01-06T18:02:00

2009-01-06T23:13:14Z

i am so full of anger right now.
its making my stomach flip-flop and churn in uncomfortable ways.
i want to lash out, break something, hurt someone.
but that would only make it worse, which i don't want to do.
i don't know what to do with myself.

here's another...

2009-01-06T16:15:07Z

AIM IM with nauseousmullah1/6/09 11:13 AM

Q: What did the slope say to the ass goblin? A: "hey Sleepneat yo momma in da lunch serves da cheezeburga" SHAKE YA FAT ASS D: D: D:

hollzdollz88 @ 2009-01-06T11:10:00

2009-01-06T16:12:44Z

UnslippingCoho (11:10 AM): I hope your day is wonderfully amazing, just like you!

Horoscope

2008-12-20T03:31:22Z

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Let's say that on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus hopes to deliver toys to every child who believes in him. Thanks to the fact that his distribution area stretches over many time zones, he'll have at least 24 hours to accomplish this feat. Still, that means he's got to visit approximately a thousand homes per second. I don't know what astrological sign Santa is, but if he's a Sagittarius he'll have the highest possible chance at success. Beginning any day now, and lasting throughout 2009, your tribe will have the potential to move faster, think quicker, and multi-task better than every other tribe. If I were going to give you a symbolic holiday gift, it would be greased lightning. Happy Holy Daze!

i like this one. =]
i'm excited for my birthday on sunday
i'm excited for the revels on sunday night
i'm excited to sing up the sun on sunday morning
i'm excited for christmas caroling for the tone deaf tomorrow night
i'm excited that i am all done with the semester minus one essay due january 5
I'M EXCITED THAT IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS. i love christmas.

my knee hurts. fell on the ice this morning. really hard. worst pain in my life. i fell at about 7am, and now at 10:30 it still hurts. not as bad, but still a lot. its also still swollen, but not as red. BUT this means that i cannot go christmas caroling AGAIN this year b/c i can only hobble and gimp along. bad idea to try and walk around. but i couldn't go last year EITHER because i was deliriously sick. i was all excited that i wasnt sick this weekend, but noOo. i had to go, fall and bust up my knee. wtf? X]

Horoscope

2008-12-11T15:02:56Z

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
There are 300,000 surveillance cameras set up all over the city of Beijing, spying constantly on its citizens. London, a supposed bastion of democracy, has 500,000 such cameras. I highly recommend you don't visit either place in the coming weeks, Sagittarius. It's crucial for you to avoid influences that make you feel self-conscious or guilty. You've got to hang out in spots where you're not being watched, scrutinized, and evaluated. While you're at it, you might also want to tell your Inner Critic to shut the hell up. You need wide-open, judgment-free spaces, both without and within.

i've never felt so hurt.

2008-12-11T03:08:20Z

GAH!!!

i've been beating myself up about this! i feel horrible, but i'm not the only one to blame! its not all my fault.

so why after all of this when i ask if we can talk it out all you have to say is, "I don't know, Holly. I don't know what there is to say about it."

WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?! IT'S NOT ALL MY FAULT AND I'M TIRED OF FEELING LIKE SHIT. HOW CAN YOU SAY THERE IS NOTHING TO SAY WHEN VERY OBVIOUSLY I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY? DO I MEAN THAT LITTLE TO YOU? WAS YOUR TALK OF YOU'D DO ANYTHING FOR ME BECAUSE THAT IS THE KIND OF FRIEND YOU ARE TOTAL SHIT?

because that's what it feels like...

That's What You Get - Paramore
No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, to take a seat we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt, so much?

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why?
All the possibilities...
Well I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa...
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try... holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why? All the possibilities. I'm sure you've heard.

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa..
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

Pain, make your way to me. (to me)
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight,
This heart will start a riot in me,
Let's start... Start, hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win!
Whoa.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

I can't trust myself with anything but this,
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

hollzdollz88 @ 2008-12-05T16:15:00

2008-12-05T21:27:04Z

"PsychopathicCoho12/5/08 4:14 PM: Help me! I'm afraid of my own shadow. :( How do I go about conquering it?"

just bought myself a new CD: Garden Ruin by Calexico. i LOVE it, but it is totally different than what i usually buy/listen to.
bought some christmas presents today. =] really excited for some of them!
also had the meeting with Claire O'Brien about studying in London. i think we'll look outwards a little bit more, perhaps edinburgh, leeds, westminster, sunderland, roehampton, and many others. i've been studying the brochures and looking into them thoroughly. i feel like i'm holding my breath and i won't let it out until i am on that plane headed over... ohman.

reminiscing about falcon ridge.

2008-12-04T19:13:14Z

so, i was thinking about falcon ridge and anthony da costa [mainly because i was surfing the FSC 2011 facebook class list and came across this girl who i've talked to in the bookstore before who happens to know anthony] and realized that i never posted the message he'd sent me. mostly because i've seen him a few times since then, but i like to keep track of what i do, and who i talk to.
me: so, talia and i went looking for you after we saw you at the acoustic live tent on sunday at falcon ridge to show you something and to say bye, but we got stuck holding down a vendor's tent and then had to find our ride. p.s. who was the girl who was standing next to me in the tent? i was trying to be nice and chat with her, but she got all defensive and almost protective over you...

so i wanted to ask you: i heard a rumor about you playing a house concert in like topsfield, MA at a woman named Ashara's house. is this true? cuz that's be totally awesome. she's a friend of my mother's. and if so i can show you the thing that talia and i wanted to show you at FR.

<33

him: hi holly
sorry we didnt get to say goodbye, that mini-tornado that hit us on sunday was pretty crazy. me and kirkman got stuck under the workshop stage tent for a while before making a run for it with our gee-tars and fancy new old jackets.

not sure who the girl you're talking about actually is ha could you describe her?

and hmm i dont believe im playing any house concert in topsfield, but if someone is interested in having me there, please be sure to have em email me or something

great to see you and talia
have a great day
-anthony

me: um... i couldn't really describe her much. she had blue sun glasses on saturday. and was standing to my left, your right, in the tent on sunday. i overheard her saying something about you playing on her 17th bday, or something? ...idk. she was kind of rude to me so i tried to not pay her much attention.

oh, oh, oh! and one more thing... who was the woman playing the drum while you were singing? allie something? talia and i heard her playing a couple people after you and we really liked her stuff.

feel free to IM me. my aim sn is HollzDollz88. i won't have internet for a long time, so best way to contact me is that (it will end up as a text message on my phone).

<33

so, and then i sent a message to the girl at FSC who knows him and it went like this:
me: i was just looking through the fsc 2011 class list on facebook, and i saw that we had some mutual friends, including anthony da costa. how do you know him, if you don't mind me asking?

her: he lives in the town next to mine and I used to go to his shows. I dont know him personally at all, I just thought i would friend him. I dont know if that is too terribly interesting but you know how facebook friends go.
no harm in asking

me: lol thats pretty awesome. i absolutely adore him and his music. my friend and i have been to so many of his shows that he now knows us by name. XD

...one more random question, did you used to work in the bookstore like last semester?

her: I was an absolute junkie for his shows for a while, he must of thought I was being a creepy stalker, so I stopped but I do have one of his CD's.
I've been working at the bookstore for over a year now so yes I was there last semester. Got any book questions?

me: nah, i just think i bought stuff from you a few times.

and anthony has a few shows coming up in january in MA, if you are interested. i'm sure i'll be going. XD

and which CD do you have? i have 4 of them... o.O lol

plus, meg and i couldnt stop laughing all day today. so yeah, laughing cramps, the good ones... =]

Horoscope

2008-12-04T14:24:48Z

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
I got an invitation through MySpace to audition for an upcoming production of the "Vagina Monologues." While I was honored to be asked, I wasn't sure that the kind of audience members who would come to see the "Vagina Monologues" would want to hear me, a man, expound on the central topic. Upon reading the fine print, however, I found out that the producers were indeed seeking some male actors. The metaphorical moral of the story, Sagittarius, is to be open to invitations, opportunities, and requests that may at first seem odd, misdirected, or irrelevant.

i keep repeating to myself, "december really is my favorite month."

2008-12-03T17:15:52Z

oh man.
oh man.
oh man.

i might be going slightly insane. i didnt evne do all my homework last night, which consisted of reading a 156 page book for today and finishing another novel for my very next class...
too much to do:

~~solo performance in my voice class today~~
~~5-7 page research paper due tomorrow~~
~~some paperwork for the meeting with the director of the study abroad programs due friday~~
chorus concert on monday
assignement on thunderstorms due tuesday
5 of a 10 page paper for wednesday
project due next week including 4 short (2 page) papers, and a simulation presentation on russia
the rest of the 10+ paper due by monday
finals are the 15th - 18th

plus my weekends are full of:

christmas tree getting/decorating - 12/6
hanging with Matthew - 12/6
nameless coffeehouse - 12/6
cambridge yule circle - 12/7
northampton yule circle - 12/14
christmas caroling for the tone deaf - 12/20
welcoming the sun rise - 12/21
MY BIRTHDAY - 12/21
Christmas Revels - 12/21
AND studying for finals in there somewhere

plus my dad emailed me with a request of him taking me out to dinner... GAH! yeah, right, let me just drop everything i'm so very carefully balancing so that you can be happy... nope, not going to happen

Horoscope

2008-11-26T14:16:01Z

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
There's a new source of abundance available for you to tap into, Sagittarius. It won't necessarily come in the form of a pile of cash or an influx of hot suitors or an upgrade in your social status. I mean those things are possible, but I'd rather concentrate on identifying the plenitude that's more likely to occur: increased energy. Your health is likely to be at its peak, and so will your generosity of spirit. Your senses will bring you a wealth of fresh perceptions, and your love of life will expand and intensify. And who knows? This enhanced vigor might help you corral a pile of cash or hot suitors or an upgrade of social status.

hollzdollz88 @ 2008-11-25T10:22:00

2008-11-25T15:23:27Z

MoonlightingCoho11/25/08 10:21 AM
¡ ɐɯɐqo ʞɔɐɹɐq

hollzdollz88 @ 2008-11-25T10:09:00

2008-11-25T15:20:40Z

got home wicked late last night... it turned out to not be just me and Matthew, but also Jenna, and then we had to drive Eric home, too. so the trip that was supposed to be from concord to fitchburg and then back, turned into concord to cambridge, to watertown/NEWTON (b/c we got lost trying to find our way back to route 2, to fitchburg. then matthew had to drive Jenna to Billerica then drive himself home to Newton. i thought by leaving by 10 from concord, i'd get home between 11-11:30. noope! didnt get home til something like 12:20... BAHH!!! it was a great time, but i slept a long way, too. and now i'm sucking down a diet coke and trying to stay awake. i hit the snooze button on my phone (only puts it off for 5 mins) 6 or 7 times. and finally got out of bed at 7:35. murrrr..... and then i stood in the shower trying to wake up for like an extra 10 mins.

...and its rainy and disgusting, and though meg gave me a ride this morning, i'll have to walk home. at like 3:30. in the rain. and its yucky... and. and. and. uuuuuuhhhhhnnnghhh....

skipping my class tomorrow. i just can't muster up and kind of motivation to get there. but i think i might just stay in fitchburg until tomorrow... it depends.

i need a cuddlehug... =[

hollzdollz88 @ 2008-11-24T13:57:00

2008-11-24T19:11:37Z

i trying to decide if i am looking forward to tonight at all. i mean i love contra dancing, but i'm really tired and not really looking to move around a lot. i kind of just want to curl up and sleep. or maybe not even sleep, just curl up and let my mind wander. wander where it will and just not worry about what i am thinking about. i like to let my mind run wild with imagination, especially when i know there is something coming up that could end up in so many ways. i like to mentally explore all possibilities, good, bad, ugly... it helps me to prepare for what may lie ahead. especially if i am required to come up with most of the conversation. heh.

not looking forward to taking the train. just too much timing and things to think about.

Horoscope

2008-11-20T18:23:57Z

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
In her book One Continuous Mistake, Gail Sher provides excellent advice for people who want to be writers. I'm offering it to you for your all-purpose use as you enter the Reinvent Yourself phase of your astrological cycle. The drive for perfection can be a distraction, Sher says. What's more useful is to be brave and free enough to experiment with possibilities that may or may not pan out. Don't think yourself into a corner, agonizing about where to begin. Simply dive in and get to work, trusting that the agitation you churn up will show you what works. Exult in the revelations provided by the trial-and-error approach! "We learn nothing from our successes," writes Sher, "which prescribe business-as-usual. We learn everything from our mistakes, which require us to analyze where we went wrong and invent fresh strategies."

forgot to post this last week, and there will be another tomorrow.

2008-11-19T18:28:35Z

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
In his book Signs of Success, astrologer Steven Weiss says "The question 'Do you believe in astrology?' is like asking someone if they believe in art." I agree. Picture a no-nonsense physicist gazing at a Kandinsky painting, with its teeming blobs of mad color and exuberant shapes, and declaring it to be a superstitious eruption of delusion that's not based on a logical understanding of the world. Like Kandinsky's perspective, astrology at its best roots us in the poetic language of the soul, and isn't blindly submissive to the values of the rational ego. It's here to liberate our imaginations and encourage us to think less literally and to visualize our lives as mythic quests. I bring this to your attention, Sagittarius, because right now it's crucial that you spend some quality time in modes of awareness akin to Kandinsky's and astrology's.

hollzdollz88 @ 2008-11-19T12:47:00

2008-11-19T18:27:05Z

"i'm tired of waiting for love to find me
but looking for it hasn't worked either."

sent that to myself in a text message to my email last night while i was half asleep. i don't know what this is supposed to mean [other than the obvious], but i think that i was thinking that it would be good for lyrics or a good base to another song to write. i have about four songs that are only half written. but i have four that have [mostly] finished.

i also woke up this morning with Abbie Gardner's "Long Island Cowboy" stuck in my head. ridiculously. i've listened to it about four or five times today and its only 1 o'clock. and i still want to listen to it over and over. unfortunately, my day is full of things i have to do until later tonight...
12:30-1:45 = English Lit III
2:00-3:00 = Voice Class
3:30-5:00 = Chorus
5:00-7:30 = Break / find some kind of dinner
7:30-9:00 = Rhymers of Eldrich [or something like that] [a play i have to attend to get credit in both english classes...]
9:00-whenever = veg-out....

my meeting for london was rescheduled AGAIN. it was originally on the 13th, then was rescheduled for the 25th [next tuesday]. THEN it was rescheduled for, now December 5. AAAUGHH!! aaaaaaand, we had to reschedule it for a friday [i don't have class on fridays, so i try to not plan anything for fridays] at TWO [!!!] which means that i will have to take the train from ayer, back to fitchburg at 9:50, maybe meg can pick me up, then, she and i have to wait around until our meeting at two... meg and i decided that if it is rescheduled again, it is the universe telling us that it doesnt want us to go this fall... not that it will stop us, but definitely a sign.

not going to club passim tomorrow night. seth glier and jake armerding are playing and i really wanted to go, but i won't go by myself. talia has an orchestra concert, and i have a meeting after 3pm [latest train that'll get me there before the show] with my advisor for signing up for classes [because i only got 2 out of the 5 i wanted, and NO english classes]. so i will go dancing tomorrow. i am kind of relieved. i LOVE going to club passim and other venues, but i get stressed out when i travel by train or other public transpoting systems. i love going, but when things don't work out, for some reason, i often feel relieved. weird. =/

but Anthony da Costa and Red Molly on Saturday!!!!! <33333333 wicked excited. AND my mom and sisters are coming, so i'm excited for them as well! =D

hollzdollz88 @ 2008-11-17T12:23:00

2008-11-17T17:45:26Z

i don't really know where to start...

so upon thinking about who i am (because i am always thinking about ME... *rolls eyes*) i realized that my personal interactions are, well... different than most. obviously i already know this about myself, but i've noticed a few things is specific.

i am ALWAYS thinking about EVERYTHING i know. my mind wanders ALL THE TIME. this includes people, places, memories, conversations, etc. so, for example, sometimes after having a conversation with some one about a particular place, i end up in this particular place. so i end up thinking about whom ever i had just had the conversation with. and then, because my thoughts involved them, i'll say to them, "oh, i was thinking about you when i was passing through [insert talked about location]" or "i was in [insert location], and was thinking of you." i think this creeps people out, because the term "thinking of you" has taken on such a dirty context.

i actually have to pay attention in class, so i will [hopefully] continue this later...

not much to say

2008-11-10T17:45:09Z

way to go LJ. are you really restoring my draft, because i know i had written a few paragraphs and you recovered NOTHING! doesnt matter that i wrote them last week at some point, but what does matter is that you asked me if i wanted my draft restored and when i said yes, you did nothing... whateverrrrr.... pfft.

aaaaaaannnnyyyywayyyyyy... WICKED PUMPED for contra dancing tonight, with special guest MORGAN!! <33 ...but i fear that i am coming down with a dreadful cold. plus i only have a few hours of sleep under my belt... but i will work through it. sudafed and ibuprofen and caffeine ["...chocolate covered coffeebeans, in the pocket of my jeans!"] should help. i really really want to go!

and NO SCHOOL TOMORROW! yay! so i can stay at home tonight! and ellen will be giving me a ride at some point this afternoon [she's home from work today and tomorrow], so i dont have to take the train! yay!

so i'm in my eng lit III class waiting for the professor to show up. she's almost five minutes late. but she was here for the first class today, so she's not absent today. ohp.. she just got here. =[ though, i actually read for today, but forgot to do the disscussion board part, because i couldnt find it... oops. i'll talk to her after class.

i'm not looking forward to walking home, but ehh... at least i am not waiting for the train, which would be miserable. murrr....

1 out of 2.

2008-11-04T14:41:18Z

I DIDNT FAIL MY GLOBAL ISSUES MIDTERM!!!!!!!!!!
i got a 66.5 and plus, meg and i will go to an extra credit option and +3 points on it!!!

...now i just have to make sure that i did well on my geography midterm. and then...

LONDON HERE WE COME!!!
XD

Horoscope

2008-10-30T13:38:47Z

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Medical insurance is out of reach for 46 million of my fellow Americans. Our country is at war in Afghanistan and Iraq as well as with a ghostly omnipresent foe known as terrorism. Our national debt is stupendous, our stock market has plunged, and many companies once thought to be towers of strength have failed. Meanwhile, right next door, Canada has universal healthcare and a budget surplus. Its banks are solvent and it is embroiled in zero wars. Am I jealous? Of course. Am I planning to emigrate? No. I'm going to stay here and keep agitating for goodness and justice and beauty. After evaluating your astrological omens, Sagittarius, I suggest that you do the equivalent in your own life: Stand your ground as you work to fix the flawed situation you've been given; don't flee to where the grass seems greener. Halloween costume suggestions: an elder statesman, wise crone, or charismatic teacher.